September 2009
4 posts
Zack Morris.
I used to date Zack Morris. I was an intern for Mike Huckabee, and if you tell my mother, I’ll have to cut you. Anyway, Zack and I were in charge of volunteer coordination and decided to do streetside visibility. I was standing on a street corner waving my I Heart Huckabee poster with all my might when suddenly, out of nowhere, seven masked ninjas dashed towards us from across the street! I threw...
Carson Daly.
I used to date Carson Daly.
I don’t want to talk about it.
Please don’t judge me.
Darth Vader.
I used to date Darth Vader. He used the Force, but I didn’t press charges. I was wearing a short skirt, so really, I was asking for it.
Harry Potter.
I used to date Harry Potter. It was ten years after Voldemort fell. I was spending a year in London working at Flourish and Blott’s. I can’t remember how I wrangled an invitation— a friend of a friend, I think. I saw him early in the evening. He smiled at me and I looked away. Even among American wizards, he’s famous, and I’m never one to fawn over celebrities. Perhaps that’s because I’ve...
August 2009
3 posts
Kevin Bacon
I used to date Kevin Bacon. Okay, you caught me, no, I didn’t technically date Kevin Bacon. But in the early eighties I did date Spyder Giraldo, who later married Pat Benatar. Bill Paxton then starred in Pat’s music video for “Shadows of the Night” as a Nazi radio officer. A few years after that, Bill was in Apollo 13 with Kev. So yeah, I basically dated Kevin Bacon.
President Barack Obama.
I used to date President Barack Obama. It was the cold winter of 1979. The frigid temperatures were unusual for Honolulu, but I’ve always enjoyed winter fashion. Barry was on the cusp of manhood, only a few months away from his high school graduation. I’d ducked into a small cafe on the coast to catch my breath and artfully rearrange my scarf when a young man asked me for a light.
...
Your mom.
I used to date your mom. It was right after we met. You left your iPod in my car. While you were at work, she called and asked if she could retrieve it.
“Of course,” I said. I offered to drop it off at your place.
It was late on a Tuesday afternoon that summer. I arrived, in a sweatshirt and tee, around four, and she let me in. I dropped your iPod on the coffee table in the living...